Now that the winter depression is clearing away I'm getting more and more into my private research. I'm so far behind my quest though! After Knuth's book I'm going to start studying differential and algebraic topology heavily. Same with differential geometry. I guess for a while I was just floating around and collecting facts, but now I'm going to do something unique. The funny thing is that I was motivated to this by an idea I sharply disagree with. The applicability of Heath's idea of a substance to major problems in metaphysics has gotten me feeling as though I'm not thinking. Just absorbing. I need to change that.

Thanks for the pick me up Heath-kun!

I'm not really sure what I want to say anymore. I wanted to talk about how I feel like my life was stolen from my growning up as a biomale, I look back on the past and it doesn't even seem real. God, why does this have to happen to me. I tried to accept my maleness, I spend a full 2 years trying as hard as I could to convert myself into the alpha male. It worked too, but it was like dying on the inside. Everything seemed so far removed from what was real. Now what!? I'm back to the way things were before: I can barely talk to anyone, I'm full of doubt, I find myself constantly on the verge of tears as I'm reminded on a regular basis of the thing that I missed out on being raised as a boy. I can barely talk to my friends as I feel this unspoken pressure to retain a male outlook and identity. I feel trapped. Up late I've been feeling like I should get new friends and move somewhere far away, and I now why... I can't stand having to continue living this way. I keep finding myself wanting to either kill myself or break down uncontrollably. It really is as though my life is a lie, I'm reminded of what David said right before him and Jered broke up.... I don't want to be this way, I want to be free to be myself, I need to figure out how to escape from this prison like existance I've been living in.

Looks like I've got to go.

The fucking gauntlet

The hyperlink above is to a book, a very, very difficult book on maths, both discrete and continuous. I'm going to master all of its contents by Dec, 31 2007, but it is one hell of a challenge. The book is at such an advanced level that even its authors use it as a reference, not for teaching, but for practical applications. I'm not even certain it is possible for me to be able to cover all of the material in a year and thought this may sound haughty, I'm farily good at math.

So, from what the reviews suggest I should completely master the calculus of infinitesimals to the point I can work out infinite series in my sleep. I should also have a mastery of linear algebra, so that I can call myself "mathematically mature". Now, they also suggest I have a firm grasp with induction (I do), have a good knowledge of probability and elementary number theory, and be strong with both generating and recursive functions.

I think this will take me half a year just to meet the prereques and another half a year to master the book, but when I do... I should be on pair with a decent, professional mathematician. Just thinking about tackling this book gives me goose bumps, the air around me is crackling with anticipation. If I can do this, I might be on my way to becoming a farily deft mathematican before I enter my fourth undergraduate year and all of my fears of being subpar will be put to rest.

I'm also a bit terrified, what if I can't finish this book, what if I burn out? I'm a little scared that if I can't do it my confindence will be shattered and I'll become that homely sister-in-law, living off my sister and her husband, sometimes I think I'd be better off hanging myself than confronting my own inadequateness. Perhaps, I'm just being a bit dramatic, heh....

I need to find a good brand of caffeine pills that or switch to meth, lolz.

I can't wait until I get my hand on that speed reading book.

Yay, yay!